Of Time Lords and the Philosopher's stone
by TorchwoodFallenAngel
Summary: In which the Doctor is searching for the secret to eternal youth, Voldemort has a skewed moral compass, Adric is jailbait and Hermione faints an awful lot.


Yes. Well. I really have nothing to say about this save that it is crack. Like, seriously, the entire thing. I do have a valid reason for this though: It was a Friday afternoon, I was in maths, we were doing Pythagorus's theorum and my friend and I were completely and utterly hyper.

This whole thing stemmed from the fact I was very cross about Adric dying so we decided that the Doctor would find some way to make him immortal, the philosopher's stone would make Adric immortal so they go off to find it and land at Hogwarts and it kinda spiralled out of control from there on.

This was written purely for our own enjoyment and I really hope you do too. Please Read, Enjoy and Review!

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Of Time Lords, bad timing and undying, if slightly scary and obsessive, love

In which the Doctor is searching for the secret to eternal youth, Voldemort has a skewed moral compass, Adric is jailbait and Hermione faints an awful lot.

_Hogwarts Great Hall. The Last Battle between the-boy-who-lived Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort is underway._

Voldemort: I WILL DESTROY YOU HARRY POTTER!

_There is a grinding, whirring sound and everyone looks round as the TARDIS materialises. The doors swing open and the Doctor pokes his head out._

Doctor: Ah…hello. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. I'm….um…I'm looking for the Philosopher's stone. Have any of you chaps seen it perchance? If this isn't a good time I could come back later…

Harry Potter: *_hopefully_* Are you an Auror?

Doctor: *_snapping_* No.

HP: *_hangs head_* Oh.

Voldemort: Are you a Death Eater?

D: No.

V: Dammit. Then who the hell are you?

D: I'm the Doctor.

HP: Doctor who?

D: Shut up!

HP: No! You can't tell me to shut up!

D: Yes I can. I am a Time Lord. I can tell anyone to shut up. I have told Daleks to shut it and leave me alone just because I was busy.

HP: So what? I'm the boy-who-lived and I can be just as intimidating as you can.

D: Don't. Just…don't. I spent two years with little-miss-look-at-my-big-boobs-and-squeaky-voice. I do not need a reminder of that. So stop speaking before I slap you.

V: Well said. I've been wanting to say that for years. Thank you. Now…what use do you have for the stone? I intended to take it for myself, become immortal, cloak the world in darkness and rule over it as Overlord of All! Mwa- etc etc etc…

HP: I wanted the stone to stop bad things happening and make all the bad people leave me alone!

_Silence. Tumbleweed. Everyone stares at Harry._

Ron: What the hell man?

HP: What? …WHAT?

Hermione: *_Extremely Posh British Accent_* Those are all perfectly valid reasons but we have yet to hear the Doctor's. Why am I speaking like this? And why do I have such a posh accent? My parents are dentists for Christ's Sake! And NHS dentists at that!

Everyone: SHUT UP!

V: But the mudblood does have a point. Why do you want it Doctor?

_The Doctor opens his mouth to speak but is interrupted by a voice coming from in the TARDIS._

Voice: *_slightly whiny_* Doctor? Doctor? Doctor what's with all the shouting and the weird British accents? I wanna come out…

D: *_turns towards the TARDIS_* Quiet Adric, I'm busy. Just stay there. *_turns back to everyone_* Yes…well…you see I have a…friend…and I…I want to use the stone to keep him young forever, eternally beautiful, his innocence outlasting the deaths of supernovas, of planets, of entire suns and we will stay together forever. FOREVER! *_pants madly, eyes wild_*

Everyone: What the…

HP: Wait a second…he?

H: Oh my god…I think…I think…he's…he's a homo…a homosexual! *faints*

_Everyone stares__but quickly lose interest. Suddenly Adric bursts out of the TARDIS, stumbles and grabs hold of the Doctor. Clings. Looks innocent and cute and __slightly_ a lot like jailbait.

Adric: *_kablinks_* Doctor?

D: It's ok Adric. I just need to sort out a few things with these kind chaps.

A: Alright...Um…um Doctor? Why does that one have no nose?

V: SHUT UP! Why won't people just shut up about my nose? Jeez...

A: *_bursts into tears_* Waah! Waah! Doctor he's being mean to me! Waaahhh!

D: *_turns wild and scarily protective_* How dare you say that to him! HOW DARE YOU! This boy is my life! He is everything to me! EVERYTHING! I would die for him. I would kill for him. I would sacrifice entire galaxies and innocent fluffy kittens for him! He is EVERYTHING! *_stares around crazily_*

_Silence. Just silence._

Lavender Brown: Not the kittens! *_Is hit over the head with a crystal ball by Seamus Finnigan and collapses. Nobody pays any attention_*

A: *_lovey-dovey excruciatingly saccharine-sweet voice_* Oh Doctor…Is it true?

D: *_pulls_ _Adric close to his chest and they stare into each other's eyes_* Yes my love. Yes. Every word. I love you more than life itself.

_They kiss. Cue lovehearts, singing birds, rose petals, cupids and a chorus of "I will always love you!" in a very high key and painfully shrill falsetto voice._

Ron: That's…great. That's really, really, really…great that you're so much in love but…how old is that kid? 'Cause he looks about eight. No offence meant mate.

A: *_childishly sweet, innocent voice_* Fifteen years and three weeks.

_Jaws drop._

Hermione: *_having just recovered_* Oh my dear lord *_faints again_*

_Cue more tumbleweed._

V: What the hell? WHAT. THE. HELL? You sick, twisted bastard. How could you? He's a child…a _child_. You sick pervert. How could you be so disgusting? How can you live with yourself? How can you sleep at night? How can you breathe? How can you even claim to be alive after indulging in your sick, sinful, paedophilic desires? How can you corrupt such an innocent soul? What kind of a monster are you? HOW CAN YOU EVEN CLAIM TO BE HUMAN?

_There is a long pause._

D: I never said I was human actually. Like I said, I'm a Time Lord. Not a single drop of human blood.

A *_starts crying again and buries his face in the Doctor's jacket_*

R: Well if you two hadn't snogged in public it might not have been so bad…

H: *_recovering once again_* They…they…they…they what? Oh thank Lord I fainted.

Colin Creevey: *_holding up a camera and waving it wildly_* YEAH! I got a picture if you want to see! Although the rose petals really messed up my focus…

_Colin is suddenly stampeded by hundreds of fangirls._

Fangirls: *_screaming and squealing_* Get the picture. GET THE PICTURE!

D: So…about the Philosopher's stone…

_JK Rowling suddenly appears in a cloud of smoke and crashing cymbals. Hermione faints again_.

JKR: Actually…I destroyed that in the first book. Sorry 'bout that. *_disappears_*

D: She did what? Damn… Oh well. Come on Adric…I know a certain Captain who's brain I could pick about the whereabouts of the Fountain of Youth.

_They get into the TARDIS. It de-materialises. Everyone stares for a moment then turns back to the two figures in the centre of the hall._

V: Well, that was distracting…back to business. *_turns to Harry_* I WILL DESTROY YOU HARRY POTTER!

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This was written by Ciara and Tallulah, two overly-hyper, extremely obsessive fangirls with way, way, _way_ too much time on their hands. We apologise for everything in this fic and do NOT apologise for ANYTHING that we have written, will write or have obsessed about over the years EVER. NEVER. NEVER, EVER, EVER. EVER.

Oh, and by the way, for those of you are interested, I may write a follow up to this called Of Time Lords and the Holy Grail. Whatcha think? It may involve the Round Table and superglue.


End file.
